Gun Powder Shakes/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ gunshots, glass shatters ] harold: We're rolling? W-well, come on. Next time, tell me or something. I thought you guys were professionals. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, it's time again to welcome the world's greatest woodsman -- well, okay, unless, of course, you're counting fez parker, but he's the greatest storyteller since will rogers died, that's for sure. And he's, like, the world's best uncle. N-n-no offense, uncle jerry. But anyway, here he is -- the star of "the red green show," red green! Thank you, harold. Thank you and welcome. And thank you, harold, for such a nice introduction. Well, you know, tv demands hype. Well, I wouldn't say I was the best storyteller since will rogers died, but I'm certainly glad someone did. But, you know, it's easy to be a storyteller up here at the lodge 'cause so many things are happening all the time. Like, yesterday, moose thompson decided he was gonna make salt-and-pepper shakers out of a couple old shotgun shells. That sure is a great story, uncle red, but let's just move on to the next segment, okay? Here we go. Well, just a minute, harold. Back off on the electronic hysterionics for a second. I haven't finished the story yet. So, anyway, moose made the salt-and-pepper shakers out of the shotgun shells. But somewhere between the workshop and the dining room, everything got kind of mixed up. Wow, you were right. Sure was worth listening to the whole thing. That's way better. That wasn't the end, harold. Well, there's no sense waiting for the fat lady to sing here. No offense, aunt mary. Just that I can hear channels changing all over the place -- click, click, click, click, click, click. Oh, yeah, we're in a new segment. [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ on a warm summer's day when we're not after bass ♪ ♪ we get out the van, fill her up with gas ♪ ♪ pull in behind a car heading down the road ♪ ♪ pull up so darn close, you think we're being towed ♪ ♪ tailgating, tailgating ♪ ♪ kind of looks like the vehicles are mating ♪ ♪ tailgating, tailgating ♪ ♪ just make sure your brakes are okay ♪ in retrospect, that was an oversight on our part. Uh, this week on "handyman corner," we're gonna go outside again and show you how you can, uh, fix a dent in your car. Uh, how many times have you dented your fender or banged in your bumper or what have you over the last week? Too many to count, I'm sure. Uh, but you know, uh, bodywork is pretty expensive if you want it done half-decent. And, uh, this week, I'm gonna show you how you can, uh, actually do your own body repair and how you can fix, uh, a dent in your fender. Now, you might say, "okay." you might ask me, "how could I fix a dent like this?" [ sniffs ] ah, well, there's... There's no dent. H-hang on. Hang on. [ engine turns over ] [ clears throat ] all right, uh, you might say, "how can you fix a dent like this?" well, get yourself a ball peen hammer, which is, uh, I guess a ball on one end, and, uh, I guess that's a peen on the other. You open the trunk up. And then you just gently tap -- try to tap out the dent from the inside. [ tapping ] [ thumping ] [ pounding ] [ grunting ] [ sniffs ] uh, okay. Actually, I may have gone a little too far hammering that out. H-hang on. H-h-hang on. Hang on. Hang on. [ engine turns over ] all right, that's, uh... That's better. Uh, now, we can just -- that's a little bit dented. We can fill that up with... We got the, uh -- this is, uh, a body filler -- bondo f-- body -- bondle -- bondle filter. And we just put that on, and we have fiberglass here that we add on. This is the applicator. And, well, it's just something that's not all that difficult to do. Ooh. Ooh, that smells good. Okay. Just finish that up there, and just... Dry her off. And now she's ready for, uh -- for the grinding. I got a power grinder here, and we just start her up and then bring her right down onto the metal itself. [ grinder whirring ] aah! All right, well, that's not perfect, but it's certainly good enough for our purposes. We're now ready to prime, put the primer coat of paint on that. We got to just shake that up a little bit. Slippery, slippery. Just lay that on there. You want a nice, even coat of primer on there. You don't have to worry about the paint running or nothing. Although, if you're a real fussy guy, you could put the car up on its side. Really works good. [ coughs ] try to see what you've done so that you don't miss any spots. This color's good for that, isn't it? All right, uh... You got her primed there. Now you just wait for it to dry. And then, uh, put on the finished coat. Okay, I pretty well emptied the whole can into there. Those drips will wear off. And I think this, uh -- as it'll fade, it'll blend in. Anyway, there you got it, and you've done it all yourself. A heck of a job, so, uh, until next time, remember -- if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. [ engine turns over ] harold, harold, harold, harold! We'll be right back with more woodsman lore, special guests, the salt-shaker story, and our regular "red green" features. And some really cool special effects. Bonus! [ keyboard clacking ] wa-a-a! [ thunder crashes ] "it is spring. "tadpoles swim in a stagnant pond, "surrounded by floating lilies and water snakes. "we are tempted to destroy their world "with men and equipment, "to dry up the swamp and kill the animals. "but what the hell? You don't go down the basement that often anyway." [ thunder crashes ] well... [ clears throat ] as I was saying before I was so rudely special-effected, moose thompson decided to make the shotgun-shell salt-and-pepper shakers when he come home from the duck hunt with a whole boatload of empty shotgun shells and no duck. But anyway, we all kind of liked the idea 'cause, uh, shotgun shells kind of go well with the decor here at the lodge, which is more or less a woodsman's motif under a layer of grime and fuzz, or as we call him, old man sedgwick. Well, that's a really interesting story, uncle red, but I think, you know, a certain cross-section of our audience might find it, like -- wa-a-a! -- Boring. Well, you know the way cross-sections can be, you know? And it's one of the first things I learned at tv-production school is that tv is about showing not talking, right? That's the difference between tv and radio. Well, that and the pay. Well, maybe I should bring a couple of shotgun shells out here. We'd have to keep them away from the hot lights, though. Oh, yeah, yeah. We could do that. Or I was thinking instead, we could just, like, you know, move right on to something else, and that would be best for all parties. What about my story? What story is that? I forgot. Oh. Well, while you're trying to remember, why don't you do one of those neat segue things you do? All right. Here's something else. Oh, I remember now -- it was the salt-and-pepper shotgun-shell thing. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's right. Oh, boy. I'm out here with, uh, one of the greatest, uh, monster trucks you're gonna see, and I got the owner here with me -- my good buddy dougie franklin. Dougie, this is some kind of vehicle you got here. You can say that again, red. You know, she does kind of catch your attention, don't she? I'll say. Women, too. Oh. [ laughs ] now, I'm not saying that I got her to attract the women. I'm not saying I did it in that cheap fashion. I got these pants to attract the women. But, uh, she is just a humdinger. You know, this -- it's like a magnet, this vehicle. It's like a magnet to women. They could be, you know, a couple mile away and just sense this thing was there, and whistles they'd be right up there, just like a magnet and a bit of steel filings or something. Oh, for god's sake. You have to beat them off with a stick, I guess, eh, doug? No, no, no. Nothing that good, red. Uh, but, uh, you know, they talk to me, and, you know, they say you can tell a lot about a man by the kind of car he drives. Well, you know, member of the opposite sex sees me sitting up here in this monster truck, she understands, I'll tell you that. She understands. Oh, yeah, and they, uh -- they kind of throw themselves at you, I guess, eh, doug? No, no, nothing that good. But, uh, they talk to me, and, you know, so I tell them about the tires, you know? Oh, yeah. I tell you, you set a woman next to that much -- next to that much rubber, boy, she gets a look of rapture over her face. I tell you, they love that. Of course, they like to come up and sit in the cab, and that worries me a mite because, uh, I don't like to have strangers getting too close to my instrument cluster, you know? Mind you, if it's somebody I know and I approve of, my type of woman, I don't mind her sitting up there. Oh, yeah? What is your type of woman, doug? Well, red, I'll tell you -- she's got to be between the ages of 15 and 55. I have few demands, but one of them is that she have her own hair, and it doesn't matter to me if, you know, there's some body parts courtesy of modern science there. I mean, that's quite acceptable. But, you know, they just love to -- they love to get up here in the cab on a nice hot day and feel my fun-fur seat covers. They're out at the cleaner's right now, actually, but they just love that. Golly, you know, doug, it sounds to me like, uh, this truck has changed your whole sex life, huh? [ laughs ] red. You hit the nail on the head there, I'll tell you, my friend. [ both laugh ] [ coughing ] well, that is great. Dougie franklin -- ladies' man. Way to go, dougie. [ hacking ] that's the last time I'm touching that tuna salad. [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ I'm not a malcontent in any way ♪ ♪ I don't believe in dreaming your whole life away ♪ ♪ but if I had one wish for the good lord to grant ♪ ♪ I'd wish to take a wet towel to a nudist camp ♪ wa-a-a! ♪ smack! Smack! Smack! ♪ ♪ oh, sorry, I didn't see you there ♪ [ laughs ] ♪ drip! Drip! Drip! ♪ ♪ they don't call it ice water for nothing ♪ ♪ slap! Foof! Aah! ♪ ♪ you don't have to spend money to have fun ♪ that's the truth in it, harold. Wa-a-a, you said "nudist." wa-a-a! Oh, uncle red, excellent. This is great. It's answer the letter time. This is my favorite part of the show, you know. I love this part 'cause it's an exchanging of ideas. I love that aspect to it, you know? It's exhilarating to me. I think it's just the best part of the whole program. Wa-a-a! Just read the letter, harold. Oh, okay. I'm just so excited. This is such a great letter. "dear red, I've seen your show a few times now, "and I force my children to watch it "unless they've been good. "I enjoy the program but think it would be a lot better if it was more like the old 'dick van dyke show.'" well, all right, harold, you know how happy we are to get a letter of this type. Uh, especially when it contains a terrific suggestion like that. You know, the, uh, "dick van dyke" reference is interesting. We weren't really trying to do exactly that kind of a show. We were thinking more along the lines of, uh, "bewitched" or "mister ed." oh, wow. Uncle red, I don't think sarcasm's in order. Nothing can be accomplished with that. The viewer just had a suggestion. I think it's valid. That's what I think. Wa-a-a! Well, maybe I'm wrong, harold. Maybe what we should do is, uh, get ourselves a neighbor named millie, and I'll get mary tyler moore to run the bait shop, eh? Then we can imitate every other show on television. Yeah, but, uncle red, you're forgetting that imitation is the sincerest form of flatulence. I don't care about that, harold. This is not a situation comedy. This is a magazine show for sportsmen. And women. Yeah, well, that's fine. That's fine. I don't care about that. I'm just saying that I would rather be unique and do my own kind of show and, uh, not try to imitate somebody else just for the sake of getting better ratings. [ singsong voice ] oh, rob! Wa-a-a! Mary tyler moore. Sorry. Kidding. Red: I always look forward to "adventures with bill" 'cause you never know what he's gonna pull out of his pants. And this week it's, uh, a couple of slingshots. Uh, this is something that we used to do when were kids. Not gonna get into everything we used to do when we were kids, but they were kind of fun. Just the feelings -- it was great, great. Aah! Uh, not so great for bill, maybe. Ohh! Oh, boy. I'll bet that smarts, huh? Yeah, well, bill just did that to show me things that can go wrong with the slingshot. Got himself a little target. Watch your foot. Oh, good. Yeah, yeah. So he's improving, isn't he? Now he gives me a little, uh, one of these rounded stones, kind of a light stone thing. And, uh, then we're just gonna fire it off. Kind of felt good. It's fun. It's fun. It's fun. [ clears throat ] bill had a couple of problems. Eh, we both missed the target. Oh, well. Oh, oh. No, he's got another one. Yeah, yeah. And a little more ammo. I must admit, I was having a good time, just fire it up into the air there. Oh. I've never seen anybody do that. But, uh, that's bill. I'm sure he's got, uh, you know, a couple more slingshots in his pants there. This is kind of an unusual -- wait a -- bill, bill, bill, bill! Right. What else? Oh, now this is a -- now, that is a major piece of work, that one there. And he had the ammo. He wanted to shoot the whole box in one go. I mean, bill, come on now. This is, uh -- we're into the times of disarmament. And the ammo -- these are actually steel balls, and, uh, they can take your eye out. Make sure you -- oh. Oh. Well, we're just not gonna tell moose thompson about that. Now, we set up these mason jars as targets, and, uh, we're gonna try to work on our aim. But bill, uh, got creative here and made what I would call a nuclear slingshot. Now he's looking for, uh, suitable ammo for it. Uh, not big enough, not big enough... That seemed to strike his fancy. And I'm getting a little worried at this point 'cause this thing's got a lot of torque on it there. And he's gonna fire off a brick and maybe take my head off. Then kind of lost a bit of his grip and slipped and -- oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Perfect. "it is winter. "dashing through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh "just like your grandparents did. Only it's costing you 100 bucks an hour." uncle red, what do you think of the way our government's running this country? You know, say, with the economy? In what area? Oh, I don't know. I don't know. Just, say, minimum wage, for starters. Yeah, all right, well, uh, I-I-I like minimum wage. Me, too. Me, too. With a qualifier, of course. You know, many of my friends and several of my grandparents are working for minimum wage. Yeah, most of them are flipping hamburgers, harold. Granted, true, and yes, okay, yes -- grandma green is not the fastest burger flipper. But other people are in positions of responsibility, and I think they should be making more than minimum wage -- I.E., people in the courier industry or those producing and directing a television show. I think I just saw a red flag go by there, harold. Well, I'm just saying, uncle red, that producing and directing a show like yours does not strike me as a job that should be paying minimum wage. Well, it's either that or nothing. Well, I'm opting for the status quo. Can I chop that wood for you? There's no instructions. We're gonna take this little commercial break so that I can remember the salt-shaker story. But he might not, so stay tuned. I know a lot of you just turned 16 and you've already smashed up the family car, so now you're forced to stay home and watch this show. I want you to think about being old enough to vote. It's just around the corner, you know. And so is the tavern. But, of course, that's not open on election day. If they kept the bars open, the politicians wouldn't be able to stand for the office they just received. When it comes to your first vote, I want you to find somebody that you like and use your vote to vote them in there. That's what you do with your first vote. After that, you just find somebody you can't stand and use your vote to get the buggers out. Jack! Jack, come on up here! I know you're in there, jack. What do you want? Oh, nothing, I just come by to see how you're doing. What were you doing down there, jack? Nothing. I wasn't cooking down here just now. All right, all right. Don't get excited. I just, uh, just dropped by to, you know, see if you're okay now that you've, uh, turned into a caveman. I mean, what's that like? Look... I don't have any extra food, okay? I'm sorry. I told them this would happen when they brought in that capital-gains tax. You know, people are gonna come running to old jack to offset the shortfall, but... I don't have any extra food. I'm sorry. Jack, jack, it's all right. Actually, I stopped on the way up here. I had a cheeseburger. I had a large fries. Okay, look, all right, I was cooking down there just now, red. So what? You know, it's my cave. And if they can tax my dividend earnings, then I think I should be able to cook in my cave. That's fair, I think. I agree. I agree. Um, jack, uh... Now, don't take this the wrong way, okay? But, uh, a bunch of us up at the lodge were wondering if maybe you'd like to come and just stay at the lodge for a while. You know, I mean, just if you want to. I can't. I'm having a party tonight, so, you know. The band's coming down and everything, and it's kind of a bring-your-own-canned-goods sort of thing, you know? But...Red, you're not invited. I'm sorry, but I just figured, you know -- well, you know, you might not fit in. I think you should leave now. Well, jack, maybe I should go now, eh? But, uh, real good to see you. You, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, uh, you want a potato or something to take with you? Well, yeah, gee, a potato would be great, yeah. Well... You have to wait a while. I haven't planted them yet. [ scoffs ] what a kibitzer. Anyway, uh, to make a long story finished, uh, moose made the, uh, salt-and-pepper shakers out of shotgun shells, but then he got them mixed up, and he ended up putting real live ammo on the dining-room table. Meanwhile, buster hadfield goes out duck hunting with the salt-and-pepper shakers. So, uh, buster fires off the salt and pepper, brings down a couple of ducks. Uh, now, we had to clean 'em and pluck 'em, but they didn't need any spices. And I cooked up the ducks for dinner, in fact, and we had our first formal sit-down dinner in about, uh, ever. So then, of course, moose has to bring out the salt-and-pepper shakers, not realizing they are actual shells, and we're all sprinkling gunpowder and buckshot all over the duck. Didn't hurt the taste any, you know? But then, uh, stinky peterson burped and blew a hole in the lampshade. Well, then, of course, we all had to get into it, you know, and our normal after-dinner belching contest turned into target practice, which moose thompson won with a 12-second honker that ripped the antlers off the dining-room moose head. But then moose has always been good at shooting his mouth off. So that about wraps it up for this week. And if my wife is watching, uh, I'll be coming straight home, and I will take the garbage out tonight if you just want to shovel it into the bags for me. So, thanks again for watching, and until next time, on behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang here at the lodge, keep your stick on the ice.